Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Consciousness of Victory Over Self (Svithe)

I had a small victory this morning in my quest for self-mastery.

After a short night mostly awake with a fifteen-month-old who decided she'd rather wail than sleep and after I woke up just before six from a few hours' nap with her on the couch, I had this battle with myself:

Ambitious me: "You should go running before it gets too hot outside. Remember how hot you were yesterday morning?"

Lazy me: "Sure, but I had such little sleep last night. And my side of the bed is so inviting right now. I could bunker down for a bit, get some rest before I have to take kid number one to school, then go running later, maybe after I drop her off."

"Right. You know as well as I do that if you put it off, you won't go later. Just do it now."

[Moving my eyes from the bed, which I almost fell into, to my running stuff laid at the foot of the bed, back to the bed]: "But I'm so tired."

[Moving closer to the shirt, shorts, socks, shoes:] "C'mon. Quit being a wuss and just put the clothes on."

[Staring at the floor for a minute or two, then dressing in the clothes:] "Fine. Let's do this."

And I got a decent paced four miles in before number one woke up (just after seven) and I realized I wouldn't have had much more sleep anyway.

Sure, I'm a bit tired, but that, I think, is my common lot as grad student and father of three little kids. And the run has given me some good momentum for my day, especially as I meditated (to the rhythm of feet on pavement) on this from David O. McKay: "Spirituality is the consciousness of victory over self, and of communion with the Infinite." This small victory over a self that's been struggling lately to feel fruitful has brought a new degree of confidence to my quest to be whole-souled---to integrate mind, body, and spirit to the inner tune of Diety.

And that's another reason I'm compelled to run: it helps me feel whole, complete. In the end, I believe, it's one of the strands that binds my fragments of self to God.